In recent weeks, several parents have approached me with essentially the same question, "How do we tell the children...?" The family pet must be put to sleep, a grandparent has died, mom and dad need to separate for a time, a cousin must have serious surgery, and so on. I have formulated my perspective on ways to handle such questions both by helping parents through challenging situations and by preparing a session for my Principles of Child Development class on "Explaining Complex Issues to Children". Though the exact approach depends heavily on the situation, and my assignments over the years have focused on topics ranging from prejudice to suicide to poverty to mental illness, the psychological principles for formulating appropriate explanations are quite general.

As with many parenting challenges, it helps to take a long-term view. Addressing any complex issue requires a continuing conversation over days or months, depending on the child and the situation. For something with direct family impact, the child will re-process the issue at new levels as the child develops. Recognizing this process takes the pressure off of today's explanation, which is really only one piece of the puzzle that may take years to complete.

The best first piece is to give the problem an accurate name. This name will be the core of the child's developing concept and will distinguish it from other similar concepts. For example, calling stomach cancer a bad stomachache may seem less scary initially, but the euphemism will cause problems the next time the child has the stomach flu. Remember that children have significantly less experience than adults, so a term like "tumor" is not already associated with lots of extra negative images.

Over the long haul, the key to strong parent-child relationships is trust. For that reason, it is essential that parents always tell the truth. While not doing so may be easier in the short run, the lie will ultimately be exposed and will damage the child's sense that the parent can be trusted. At the same time, unlike the courtroom, there is no requirement for parents to tell the whole truth. Tell only the part of the story that is necessary at the moment. Details, future projections, and multiple angles may confuse, overload, or unnecessarily scare the child.

Similarly, since there are many aspects of life over which we have no foreknowledge or control, be careful to only make promises that you can keep. Focus primarily on the present and immediate next steps with phrases like, "We're going to work with the doctors to..." or "We're not sure, but right now..." At all ages, children are concerned about their emotional security and physical safety, so be sure to reassure them that, whatever the challenging circumstances, the adults who love them will do everything possible to take care good care of them (feed them, take them to school, read stories to them, put them to bed, etc.).

Preschoolers pose a special challenge where explanations are concerned because of their level of cognitive development. As they attempt to understand their world, they often make connections between events that happen close in time but may otherwise be unrelated (e.g., "this bad thing happened today because I did that bad thing yesterday"), they focus primarily on how things appear (e.g., "she forgot my name so she must not love me"), and they often use magic to fill the gap between what they know and what they observe (e.g., "I'm gonna wish real hard for..."). Fortunately, many early childhood professionals have written excellent children's books designed to help children understand, while avoiding common misconceptions. Also, support group web sites often have helpful information about addressing questions and concerns that children of different ages typically raise about particular difficult situations.

In the end, being willing to talk with your child about challenging issues is what helps her most to cope. In fact, the non-verbal aspects of your explanations are likely to matter more than the exact words that you choose. Your child monitors your emotional reaction and uses it as a model to shape her own. Take care that you have the support you need so that you can communicate in a calm and supportive manner, particularly when the issues hit close to home.

Please feel free to talk with me or any of the staff members about the questions your child is asking or the situations you're finding it difficult to explain. We'll be happy to brainstorm with you about the approaches that might work for you and your child, as well as to suggest resources that you might find useful. In this way, we can collaborate to support your child's development, which is always our shared goal.