As we begin a new school year, the staff and children are focusing on learning how to function effectively in a community of learners.  We take the time to “show them the right way to do things, expect only what they are able to do at their level, and patiently nurture them to learn more along the way.” This quote was written in Murphy and Oberlin’s (2001) chapter on successful discipline, which also includes the “Five C’s of Commonsense Parenting.”  I share the “Five C’s” here because they clearly explain our approach to teaching children to behave appropriately, as well as because these simple principles may be helpful as you reflect on your style of parenting.  In both cases, note that much of the work involves laying solid foundations that invite positive behavior rather than waiting until a challenge occurs.

Choices – Offering real choices enables children to be responsible for their own behavior rather than being controlled by an adult and helps them to learn to make appropriate choices so that they can function independently and effectively.  At the Children’s School, we offer many choices within the established routines.  Children can choose from a wide variety of activity centers, but they must respect the “closed” signs as well.  Because children are taught how to use each center, we approach inappropriate behavior as a choice too.  We remind the child of the appropriate behavior and then offer the choice of acting appropriately or choosing another center.  Since both the centers and expected behavior are developmentally appropriate, the children are quite likely to experience success with this structure.

Clarity – Setting clear goals for the behavior we want to occur and then teaching those specific behaviors increases the chances that they will occur.  Children need to understand who should do what when.  Different activities are available during different parts of our day, different behaviors are acceptable in different locations (e.g., on the playground vs. in the classroom vs. in the gym), and we sometimes limit the number of friends who can work in a given center at one time or establish a rotation of turns (e.g., for computer use and classroom jobs).  All of these distinctions are clearly discussed with the children (and sometimes even initiated by them).

Consequences – Shaping children’s behavior requires careful attention to the outcome of the behavior because positive outcomes will lead to increased behavior.  When appropriate behavior leads to fun, feelings of success, attention from friends, interesting challenges, etc., the child is likely to repeat that behavior.  On the other hand, inappropriate behaviors will also be repeated when they lead to positive outcomes, like getting attention (even negative attention), getting what you want, etc.  As teachers, we focus on initial clarity of expectations and then emphasizing the child’s role in choosing to behave appropriately or not.  That way, the child has chosen the consequences rather than them being imposed on them.  (Similarly, I don’t “give” grades to my undergraduates, they “earn” them according to their performance.)

Communication – Since our children are quite young, we need to repeat expectations frequently and give children plenty of opportunities to practice appropriate behaviors.  When communicating about behavior initially, we start with a clear request (Mrs. Solomon’s favorite phrase is “would you be so kind as to …”).  If necessary, we also give the reason for the request (e.g., safety, cleanliness, timeliness, etc.).  The purpose for our routines and rules are always discussed at the beginning of the year, but we also reinforce them for individuals or the whole group when relevant situations arise.  If a child is not following a rule or routine, then we begin with a reminder of the expectation and check to be sure the child understands.  Cooperation yields positive outcomes, as discussed above, and teachers respond to inappropriate behavior according to the school’s discipline policy.

Consistency – Finally, consistency in all of the other “C’s” is the key to long-term learning.  The children are most secure when the expectations and routines are predictable, so we make every effort to be consistent in our interactions with the children and with each other.  Naturally, it is easier to be consistent when we have taken the time to establish which choices are allowed when, to clearly communicate that information with children and families, to define the consequences of inappropriate behavior, and to communicate well in all situations.  When we are consistent, our school day typically flows very smoothly, with children and adults focusing their attention on the many learning opportunities available.

These commonsense principles are the foundation for many of the decisions we make each day as teachers and parents, but that doesn’t always mean that the most effective path is always clear.  Starting this month, we will include one thought-provoking “Positive Discipline Pointer” in each newsletter to encourage both teachers and parents to keep thinking and talking with each other about these issues.  We hope you will find them helpful as you navigate the challenging path of parenthood.  As always, feel free to contact me if you have suggestions for pointers or if there are parenting issues you would like to discuss.  We look forward to a wonderful year of growing with you and your children.

The Angry Child: Regaining Control When Your Child is Out of Control
Dr. Tim Murphy and Loriann Hoff Oberlin, 2001, Three Rivers Press, New York.