25

Feb

Guest Post: Introducing…Dr. Tim MacFarlstynen

Good afternoon readers.  Today’s entry is a guest post from an anonymous contributor (and does not in any way reflect the opinions of the PLB editorial board).

The once-great-but-now-relegated-to-blog PLB recently published an article comparing the eloquent statements made by endearing faculty member David Rakison to those of a blubbering cartoon baby called Stewie. According to the latest readership poll, some found this article to be charming (“I nearly choked on my latke” exclaimed Ken Kotovsky) while others found it to be disturbing (“I always thought Rakison WAS Stewie. Why else the diaper?” noted Sheldon Cohen). Still others had no idea that the PLB has moved to a blog format, and you’re probably one of them if you’re not reading this article.

However, this reader was intrigued by the revelation that the new PLB editor was so knowledgeable about the many things that Stewie had said over the years, despite the fact that he doesn’t even own a TV (sad, but true). Then, on February 24th at 8.31 it all made sense. This informed reader tuned in to watch the beginning of the Academy Awards and lo-and-behold there was our beloved new assistant professor Tim Verstynen – working under his nom-de-plum Seth MacFarlane – giving the sadly unfunny opening monologue. What? Eh? How could this be? Just look at the two pictures below to see the uncanny facial similarity of these two men. Separated at birth? Quite probably. Yes, Tim uses a disguise when he is doing his “brain(y) research” work, but let’s be honest: those glasses aren’t fooling anyone. But there are a whole plethora of other reasons why it’s clear that Tim and Seth are one and the same person.

1) You never see them both in the same place at the same time
2) They are both into Zombies. After all, how do you think Ted came to life?
3) They both smile in pictures
4) One of them tells crude jokes about sex, and so does Seth.
5) Hmmm. That’s about it actually.
6) No wait. What about the fact that they both wear shirts?
7) I’m afraid that’s not going to cut it at all.

So, there you have it. Definitive evidence (p <.37) that Tim and Seth MacFarlane are one and the same person: Assistant Professor by day, zombie researcher by night, and actor, producer, and director around teatime.

81 days ago Short URL Comments

David Rakison/Ken Kotovsky/Sheldon Cohen/Timothy Verstynen

25

Feb

Low Probability Event Causes Chaos at Faculty Meeting

A widespread panic erupted at this week’s faculty meeting upon hearing that there is a 6% probability that national funding agencies (NIH, NSF, & DARPA) will be cutting their funds by $10 million in 2018 as part of sequester negotiations.

“It was absolute chaos,” said Anna Fisher, “I’d never seen such a thing before. We immediately started preparing for the worst without reading the full announcement.”

“In making our decision about how seriously to consider this event we used an alpha of 0.05,” reported Brian MacWhinney as he boarded up the windows to his office in anticipation of impending armageddon, “So a 6% chance falls outside our confidence bounds, meaning we must consider this a plausible event.”

“Look, I realize that this is a low likelihood of happening,” says Mike Scheier, “But given that it could dramatically affect the department if it does occur I think it warrants a serious discussion.” Scheier then proceeded to walk into his office, light a cigar and begin working on his memoires in anticipation not being Department Head when the financial doomsday may-or-may-not occur.

Others doubted the wisdom of taking such an unprobable event seriously.

“They’ve got it all backwards. They’re rejecting the wrong null hypothesis!” says Mike Tarr, “We should get worried when the chance of it not happening is less than 5%, not when there’s still a 94% chance it wont!”

“Seriously,” said David Creswell, “can’t we all just chill and meditate on this for a while?”

After the panic subsided at the meeting, several faculty members were reported to have run to their offices and signed up with Monster.com and asked colleagues for feedback on their revising resumes.

81 days ago Short URL 1 Comment

Anna Fisher/Brian MacWhinney/David Creswell/Mike Scheier/Mike Tarr

18

Feb

Who said it? Stewie Griffin vs. David Rakison

Welcome to the new PLB game Who Said It? The goal is to identify the originator of the quotes below.

Today’s competition is between Stewie Griffin (fictional character on the television show Family Guy) and our own David Rakison.  Make your guesses in the comments section.

WARNING: Crude British humor is likely to follow.

1) “No sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.”

2) “I’m not gay I’m British!”

3) “The best way to get over a man is to get under a man.”

4) “Isn’t it funny how they say ‘life is like a box of chocolates’? Well in your case  life is like a box of active grenades!”

5) “Did you know that rubbing nipples can lead to pregnancy?”

6) “No, you idiot. That’s not baby powder, that’s paprika.”

7) “Want to see my snake?”

8) “Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening.”

9) “May every person that laughs at your sophmoric effort be a reminder of your eternal mediocrity and pierce your heart like a knife!”

10)  ”As long as you make fun of him while at the same time giving his ego a rigorous handy, you’re good to go.”

11) “I’m good on swinging.”

12) “I knew my play was good, just like I knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches! You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with those braying hyenas!”

88 days ago Short URL 3 Comments

David Rakison

18

Feb

Guest Post: Marcel Just is more important than the new president

Good morning readers.  Today’s entry is a guest post from an anonymous contributor (and does not in any way reflect the opinions of the PLB editorial board).

“Recent research by Marcel Just has found exactly where the brain resides: apparently, it’s somewhere in the head but don’t ask me where exactly because I’m not a neuroscientist.

Anyhow, this groundbreaking research, which results from the jobs of many vigorous hands and minds, is so important it overshadows the announcement of the new president at CMU. Look (screenshot above), there is our new spiritual and fiscal leader in the tiny little box at the bottom right hand corner of the webpage – literally towered over by Marcel. Indeed, so large is Marcel that it is expected that he will soon be given the title Emperor, Czar, or God of Psychology. Expect a Survey Monkey poll in the next few weeks to determine which of these titles will adorn Dr. Just’s office in the future.”  –Anonymous

88 days ago Short URL Comments

Marcel Just

11

Feb

Tragedy strikes CMU’s new artificial life MRI program

A project that started as a collaboration between members of the Department of Psychology and artificial life researchers in the Machine Learning Department has been shut down following an incident on the program’s first pilot run.

“I really don’t know what happened,” said Dr. Tim Verstynen, the lead researcher on the project in Psychology. “In trying to move away from all the zombie neuroscience nonsense, I wanted to get back to doing real science. But now I worry I didn’t think the problem all the way through.”

The project, first of it’s kind in the world, was a low-field gingerbread magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) device designed to monitor brain development of genetically engineered gingerbread people, developed by the Departments of Biology and Machine Learning and funded by a DARPA “tasty soldiers” initiative.

“Everything looked really good going into the first scan,” reports Verstynen, “The test run without a subject looked really good. We loaded in our pilot subject and just completely forgot the coating of the candied sprinkles that make up the gingerbread people’s eyes. It was horrible… the things just popped right out!”

Given the magnetic strength of the MRI, human subjects are typically screened of all metal before entering the scanner via a questionnaire that asks questions like “Have you ever had a surgical implant?”, “Have you ever been shot by a bullet or bb gun?”

“We just completely forgot to ask whether any part of the subject was composed of or tastily coated in metal,” says Verstynen. “We are currently taking down the facility by a warm fire with a glass of milk.”

Verstynen reports that a new facility will be baked as soon as changes have been approved by CMU’s IRB.

95 days ago Short URL Comments

Psycho? Logical? Bulletin (Satire)/Timothy Verstynen

04

Feb

Super-science-mom spotted in the wild

Your PLB editors have received several reports that, after receiving the distinguished Troland Research Award from the National Academy of Sciences, Professor Lori Holt has decided to “step it up a notch.”

“We all knew that Lori was such a superb scientist, but who knew that she could juggle her work and personal life so elegantly???” says Dr. AW, a professor at the University of Arizona who commented on the condition of anonymity (for concerns that Lori may or may not be reviewing a future grant submission).

True to form, Dr. Holt was spotted giving an hour long lecture on auditory physiology to a packed house at U of A, while simultaneously taking care of her 5 month old son.

“It was absolutely incredible,” said another witness, “She would seamlessly bounce back and forth between talking about the psychophysics of frequency tuning, fielding questions about the pitfalls of imaging the auditory cortex and singing the theme song to Dora the Explorer. By the end of the lecture we all felt very bonded with her at an intellectual and maternal level.”

When asked for a comment comment on the experience, Dr. Holt simply replied, “Screw it. A working mom’s gotta do what a working mom’s gotta do.”

103 days ago Short URL Comments

Lori Holt/Psycho? Logical? Bulletin (Satire)