22

Apr

Ringtones of the (definitely not) Rich and (slightly) Famous

Ringtones define a relationship.  What you designate as the official fanfare of an incoming call announces the conscious (or unconscious) reflection of your interpersonal connections.

Through some clever sleuth-work, your PLB team has identified, deduced, or simply guessed the ringtones currently employed by faculty members in the department.

1) Marlene Behrmann’s ringtone on David Plaut’s phone: When A Man Love’s A Woman, Michael Bolton.


* We here at the PLB celebrate Michael Bolton’s entire catalogue.

2) Ken Kotovsky’s ringtone for anyone: Christmas Song, The Chipmunks 

3) Lynne Reder’s ringtone on John Anderson’s phone: She Blinded Me With Science, Thomas Dolby

4) Anna Fisher’s ringtone on Ken Koedinger’s phone: From Russia With Love

5) David Rakison’s ringtone for himself: Baby Love, The Supremes

6) Tim Verstynen’s ringtone on Sheldon Cohen’s phone: Suit & Tie, Justin Timberlake

7) Any post-doc’s ringtone on any faculty member’s phone: Get a Job, The Silhouettes

8) Any faculty member on any post-doc’s phone: Chain Gang, Sam Cooke

9)  Erik Thiessen’s, David’ Rakison’s, and John Opfer’s ringtone for each other: The Three Amigos Salute.

10)  Any faculty member on Mike Scheier’s phone: Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye, Steam

25 days ago Short URL Comments

Anna Fisher/David Plaut/David Rakison/Erik Thiessen/John Anderson/Ken Kotovsky/Lynne Reder/Marlene Behrmann/Mike Scheier/Sheldon Cohen/Timothy Verstynen

25

Feb

Guest Post: Introducing…Dr. Tim MacFarlstynen

Good afternoon readers.  Today’s entry is a guest post from an anonymous contributor (and does not in any way reflect the opinions of the PLB editorial board).

The once-great-but-now-relegated-to-blog PLB recently published an article comparing the eloquent statements made by endearing faculty member David Rakison to those of a blubbering cartoon baby called Stewie. According to the latest readership poll, some found this article to be charming (“I nearly choked on my latke” exclaimed Ken Kotovsky) while others found it to be disturbing (“I always thought Rakison WAS Stewie. Why else the diaper?” noted Sheldon Cohen). Still others had no idea that the PLB has moved to a blog format, and you’re probably one of them if you’re not reading this article.

However, this reader was intrigued by the revelation that the new PLB editor was so knowledgeable about the many things that Stewie had said over the years, despite the fact that he doesn’t even own a TV (sad, but true). Then, on February 24th at 8.31 it all made sense. This informed reader tuned in to watch the beginning of the Academy Awards and lo-and-behold there was our beloved new assistant professor Tim Verstynen – working under his nom-de-plum Seth MacFarlane – giving the sadly unfunny opening monologue. What? Eh? How could this be? Just look at the two pictures below to see the uncanny facial similarity of these two men. Separated at birth? Quite probably. Yes, Tim uses a disguise when he is doing his “brain(y) research” work, but let’s be honest: those glasses aren’t fooling anyone. But there are a whole plethora of other reasons why it’s clear that Tim and Seth are one and the same person.

1) You never see them both in the same place at the same time
2) They are both into Zombies. After all, how do you think Ted came to life?
3) They both smile in pictures
4) One of them tells crude jokes about sex, and so does Seth.
5) Hmmm. That’s about it actually.
6) No wait. What about the fact that they both wear shirts?
7) I’m afraid that’s not going to cut it at all.

So, there you have it. Definitive evidence (p <.37) that Tim and Seth MacFarlane are one and the same person: Assistant Professor by day, zombie researcher by night, and actor, producer, and director around teatime.

81 days ago Short URL Comments

David Rakison/Ken Kotovsky/Sheldon Cohen/Timothy Verstynen

21

Jan

Marcel Just Stumped By Kotovsky’s Brain

Marcel Just’s latest efforts to decode the semantic organization of the human brain hit an apparent snag last week.

Dr. Just (shown left above) was in search of a test subject to try out some new tweaks on his fMRI decoder algorithm.  This program promised a more efficient readout of neural activity from fMRI signals that could predict what a subject was thinking while in the scanner.

Ken Kotovsky (shown at right above) just happened to be walking back from Schatz when he ran into Dr. Just.

“I was just walking by, you know, and Marcel asked if I had anything to do this afternoon,” said Dr. Kotovsky, “I thought… why the hell not?”

Unfortunately, after only a few minutes in the scanner, it became apparent that something was not working properly.

“You know, it was the strangest thing,” said Dr. Just, “No matter what stimulus we gave him to think about in the scanner, we got the strangest output from the decoder.”

At this point Dr. Just holds up a list of visual stimuli presented to the test subject (Dr. Kotovsky) and the predicted image generated by the computer (shown below).  ”No matter what we showed him, the computer kept coming back with images of essentially the same thing!”

No word yet as to whether the error resided in the algorithm modifications or the test subject.

116 days ago Short URL 1 Comment

Ken Kotovsky/Marcel Just/Psycho? Logical? Bulletin (Satire)

14

Jan

Faculty Meeting Dedicated to Novel Funding Opportunity Found in Department Head’s Inbox

 

Last week’s faculty meeting was dominated by the looming fiscal crises that the department faces due to “shifts in funding priorities” by NIH & DARPA. Department Head, Dr. Michael Scheier, proposed a novel funding opportunity that he was made aware of 15 minutes before the meeting.

“I was going through my Inbox this morning,” said Scheier, “and I came across something that I think looks really promising. I got an email from a guy, he says he’s a prince in Nigeria. Now I don’t know what that means, because I didn’t think that Nigeria had a monarchy, but listen to what he has to say.”

Scheier then proceeded to read a rather long email, riddled with grammatical errors, from an individual claiming to be a “prince in exile” who had $1.56 billion in holdings that were locked out after the coup that overthrew his family. According to the author, Honorable and Nobel Prince William Shatner III, the only way to get out of the country with his money is to transfer the funds into an American bank account first. If the department was willing to just send Prince Shatner the account and routing numbers for the department, then the author stated he would be willing to give the department a 10% cut.

“If you do the math, that’s $156 million dollars!” exclaimed Scheier, “Now I don’t know you you’d all feel about this, okay, but I think it’s really something we should consider. Especially given our recent shortfall on graduate student stipends”

Overall, the faculty opinion appeared mixed on the idea.

“You know I think this is fascinating,” said Dr. Brian McWhinney, “Really interesting offer. But I’d like to say, that my experience working on the Niger-Congo languages, I’d want to clarify what he meant by ‘dire circumstances’. That could mean a lot of different things if translated incorrectly.”

“What’d I’d want to know is whether that’s in US dollars or Nigerian naira,” said Dr. Ken Kotovsky, “I mean that conversion rate is a real pain in the ass.”

Others were not quite a supportive.

“Are you f$%#ing kidding me!” said Dr. David Klahr. “I don’t know why we’re even having this conversation? Our funds are locked in through the university. We’d have to get their approval and you know how long that’d take. He’d have found someone else before we even know what our account number is. Seems like a waste of time to me.”

Throughout the conversation, Dr. David Rakison kept interjecting “Zzzzzzzzzz” from his perch in the corner of the room.

Despite having six other agenda items, the entire faculty meeting was dominated by debate on the details and merits of the offer. No consensus was reached, however, beyond an agreement to “get more details” before the next faculty meeting.

 

 

123 days ago Short URL 3 Comments

Brian MacWhinney/David Klahr/David Rakison/Ken Kotovsky/Mike Scheier/Psycho? Logical? Bulletin (Satire)