22

Apr

Ringtones of the (definitely not) Rich and (slightly) Famous

Ringtones define a relationship.  What you designate as the official fanfare of an incoming call announces the conscious (or unconscious) reflection of your interpersonal connections.

Through some clever sleuth-work, your PLB team has identified, deduced, or simply guessed the ringtones currently employed by faculty members in the department.

1) Marlene Behrmann’s ringtone on David Plaut’s phone: When A Man Love’s A Woman, Michael Bolton.


* We here at the PLB celebrate Michael Bolton’s entire catalogue.

2) Ken Kotovsky’s ringtone for anyone: Christmas Song, The Chipmunks 

3) Lynne Reder’s ringtone on John Anderson’s phone: She Blinded Me With Science, Thomas Dolby

4) Anna Fisher’s ringtone on Ken Koedinger’s phone: From Russia With Love

5) David Rakison’s ringtone for himself: Baby Love, The Supremes

6) Tim Verstynen’s ringtone on Sheldon Cohen’s phone: Suit & Tie, Justin Timberlake

7) Any post-doc’s ringtone on any faculty member’s phone: Get a Job, The Silhouettes

8) Any faculty member on any post-doc’s phone: Chain Gang, Sam Cooke

9)  Erik Thiessen’s, David’ Rakison’s, and John Opfer’s ringtone for each other: The Three Amigos Salute.

10)  Any faculty member on Mike Scheier’s phone: Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye, Steam

25 days ago Short URL Comments

Anna Fisher/David Plaut/David Rakison/Erik Thiessen/John Anderson/Ken Kotovsky/Lynne Reder/Marlene Behrmann/Mike Scheier/Sheldon Cohen/Timothy Verstynen

25

Feb

Guest Post: Introducing…Dr. Tim MacFarlstynen

Good afternoon readers.  Today’s entry is a guest post from an anonymous contributor (and does not in any way reflect the opinions of the PLB editorial board).

The once-great-but-now-relegated-to-blog PLB recently published an article comparing the eloquent statements made by endearing faculty member David Rakison to those of a blubbering cartoon baby called Stewie. According to the latest readership poll, some found this article to be charming (“I nearly choked on my latke” exclaimed Ken Kotovsky) while others found it to be disturbing (“I always thought Rakison WAS Stewie. Why else the diaper?” noted Sheldon Cohen). Still others had no idea that the PLB has moved to a blog format, and you’re probably one of them if you’re not reading this article.

However, this reader was intrigued by the revelation that the new PLB editor was so knowledgeable about the many things that Stewie had said over the years, despite the fact that he doesn’t even own a TV (sad, but true). Then, on February 24th at 8.31 it all made sense. This informed reader tuned in to watch the beginning of the Academy Awards and lo-and-behold there was our beloved new assistant professor Tim Verstynen – working under his nom-de-plum Seth MacFarlane – giving the sadly unfunny opening monologue. What? Eh? How could this be? Just look at the two pictures below to see the uncanny facial similarity of these two men. Separated at birth? Quite probably. Yes, Tim uses a disguise when he is doing his “brain(y) research” work, but let’s be honest: those glasses aren’t fooling anyone. But there are a whole plethora of other reasons why it’s clear that Tim and Seth are one and the same person.

1) You never see them both in the same place at the same time
2) They are both into Zombies. After all, how do you think Ted came to life?
3) They both smile in pictures
4) One of them tells crude jokes about sex, and so does Seth.
5) Hmmm. That’s about it actually.
6) No wait. What about the fact that they both wear shirts?
7) I’m afraid that’s not going to cut it at all.

So, there you have it. Definitive evidence (p <.37) that Tim and Seth MacFarlane are one and the same person: Assistant Professor by day, zombie researcher by night, and actor, producer, and director around teatime.

81 days ago Short URL Comments

David Rakison/Ken Kotovsky/Sheldon Cohen/Timothy Verstynen

11

Feb

Tragedy strikes CMU’s new artificial life MRI program

A project that started as a collaboration between members of the Department of Psychology and artificial life researchers in the Machine Learning Department has been shut down following an incident on the program’s first pilot run.

“I really don’t know what happened,” said Dr. Tim Verstynen, the lead researcher on the project in Psychology. “In trying to move away from all the zombie neuroscience nonsense, I wanted to get back to doing real science. But now I worry I didn’t think the problem all the way through.”

The project, first of it’s kind in the world, was a low-field gingerbread magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) device designed to monitor brain development of genetically engineered gingerbread people, developed by the Departments of Biology and Machine Learning and funded by a DARPA “tasty soldiers” initiative.

“Everything looked really good going into the first scan,” reports Verstynen, “The test run without a subject looked really good. We loaded in our pilot subject and just completely forgot the coating of the candied sprinkles that make up the gingerbread people’s eyes. It was horrible… the things just popped right out!”

Given the magnetic strength of the MRI, human subjects are typically screened of all metal before entering the scanner via a questionnaire that asks questions like “Have you ever had a surgical implant?”, “Have you ever been shot by a bullet or bb gun?”

“We just completely forgot to ask whether any part of the subject was composed of or tastily coated in metal,” says Verstynen. “We are currently taking down the facility by a warm fire with a glass of milk.”

Verstynen reports that a new facility will be baked as soon as changes have been approved by CMU’s IRB.

95 days ago Short URL Comments

Psycho? Logical? Bulletin (Satire)/Timothy Verstynen