As many know, the Psychology Department at CMU is in search of a new department head. But alas, a lack of consensus is impairing the search process.

Inspired by the recent Vatican search, the Dietrich College of Humanities and Social Sciences has announced that it will commence a headship “conclave” next week.  Department faculty will be locked in the Sistine Chapel of Baker Hall (aka- 336B).  The doors will be locked and faculty not allowed to emerge until a consensus has been reached.

Ken Kotovsky had volunteered to bring cigars to light to signal announcing that a final decision has been reached.  However, CMU administration has decided to indicate to the expecting crowd (consisting of 2 prospective faculty candidates) by the burning of several rejected manuscripts by prominent faculty members. At this time, the bagpipes will play and graduate students dressed as Swiss guard will announce “Habemus Caput!”*

Expectations are that this may take considerably longer than the longest papal conclave in 1268, which lasted 33 months.

Special electronic jamming equipment has been installed to keep faculty from tweeting juicy details of the deliberations (we are looking at you Dr. Verstynen!) and thereby violating the strict conclave confidentiality.

When the white smoke of dashed publishing dreams eventually does arise over Baker Hall, the new head of CMU Psychology will be presented and immediately charged with dictating year’s faculty pay raise and the future of the graduate program.

* PLB is not so certain about our Latin, but close enough, no?

The PLB would like to thank Lori Holt for contributing (heavily) to this post.